Kalzer & Hawtin Re-Watch Survivor South Pacific

George Hawtin Reviews Episode 1 : "I Need Redemption"

Pictured : Actual Redemption

George formatting note. I think it's phenomenally dumb that John and Ben go to such effort to construct for themselves these "Survivor identities". I don't respect them, their personas, or what these personas augur for the show. I will, thus, call them John and Ben, or, if I absolutely must, "Cochran" and "Coach". But never Cochran or Coach.

We were just talking about this the other day in the context of Russell Swan - the irresistibility of players who, despite knowing better, just can't help being themselves. "Coach" is a prime example of this type. In Tocantins, his M.O. was to throw his weight around and bully people (chiefly women) - like Russell Hantz but not as good at it - and then to wrap that all up in an insufferable mystique about "honour" and "integrity" and being the "dragonslayer" and whatever other bullshit he could think of. I couldn't stand "Coach" on Tocantins; couldn't stand him my first time through South Pacific; and could only stand him in Heroes vs. Villains because everybody made fun of his foolishness so consistently.

Coach Being All Coach Like

So episode 1 of South Pacific starts with a surprisingly self-aware monologue from "Coach" about how he failed in his first two seasons, but this time will succeed by playing differently and not being himself. I applaud. Then at the 40-second mark, he says he's going to play with "honour and integrity". See what I mean? He knows it's this very persona that's lost him the game the first two times, but he just can't help himself. It's strangely compelling.

After "Coach" and Ozzy give little speeches - Ozzy's being a bit more self-aware than "Coach"'s - we see the new players paddle in. First...who's that guy? That guy in close-up at the 1:14 mark? Is that Brett from Samoa with more hair? The pretty blonde girl beside him might be...Whitney? Was there a Whitney on this season? Next to them is Dawn, who does not appear to be crying.

Pictured : A Whitney.  May or may not have been on this season.

First newbie confessional goes to John Cochran: "I am by far the most Survivor-savvy player ever to play the game." God, I hate this guy. He thinks (and we'll be hearing about this later many, many times) that people "bully" him because of his physical appearance, but I think that to the degree he suffers any social ostracization at all, it's because he's arrogant.

Second confessional: who is this lady? I don't remember her at all. She cute. I'm glad I'm rewatching this. Thanks, Mark!

You mean her right George?

Third confessional: Rick! This is, sadly, just about all we'll be hearing from him this season.

Fourth confessional: Is this lady's name Stacey? I almost remember her.

Fifth confessional: Brandon Hantz. Compares Uncle Russell to Hitler. Yeah, because acting like a dick on a game show and committing a genocide - those are the same thing. "I came out here to change the course of the Hantz family's name." We'll see how that goes. For all of Russell's faults - and in-the-moment self-awareness is certainly one of them - I admire that he never seems to lose the plot: he is on a game show and he is the villain and if he acts nasty he will get famous from it. Whereas Brandon seems to take all of this so seriously, in his way. It creeps me out.

Now the credits. Ozzy; "Coach". Savaii tribe: Whitney (the blonde from the boat); Keith (the Brett-looking guy); Dawn; Papa Bear (I will indulge in Mark's semi-offensive nickname in the spirit of differentiating him from my colleague); Semhar; John (the credits call him John! Hooray!); Elyse; Jim. Upolo: Edna; Sophie; Albert; Christine; Rick; Mikayla; Stacey; Brandon. I could write you a short essay on every single player from Thailand, the Cook Islands, or Panama, but I legit remember almost none of these guys. Mark, did you have any pre-game favourites or any pre-merge boots you liked, or even anyone you remembered being on this show other than Ben, John, Ozzy, Dawn, and Brandon?

They arrive. Instead of saying, "Come on in, guys!", Probst says, "Come on *up*, guys!" It's changes like that that keep the show fresh.

Probst announces that they've got two more contestants. Edna says to Brandon, "I hope it's not Russell!" Cue the first of Brandon's five hundred confessionals over the course of the season about redeeming the Hantz name and etc.

Probst asks "the woman in the front", who introduces herself as Christine, what she thinks of the returnees. That's reliably one of my least favourite Survivor tropes---when Probst, who helps to cast this show, pretends not to know the names of the players. Christine says that the returnees are "temporary players", which...totally understandable from a human perspective (absolutely what I would do, probably), but not good Survivoring at all. If there's one thing we know about Ben, it's that when people piss him off, he makes them go home. Why risk that if you're Christine?

Now another insufferable "Cochran" speech! Hooray! (Except, no, not hooray.) This speech's topic: on how he wants to be called "Cochran", because Probst usually calls his favourite he-man players (Colby Donaldson, Rob Mariano) by their last names. You know, watching this at the time, I thought he was being ironic. Rewatching it after having seen Caramoan: no, John Cochran actually thinks he is a Colby/Boston Rob-esque player. When I thought he was joking, it wasn't funny. Now that I know he's serious, it...kind of is funny.

The returnees choose their tribes. "Cochran" is happy to have Ozzy, which is sort of funny, given that it will take "Cochran" about four seconds to decide that Ozzy is bullying him; Rick is displeased to have "Coach", which is why Rick should have won this season. I love Rick so much. "Coach" notes that Christine's impolitic comment about him being a "temporary player" makes her a logical target for him. Which...yeah, it does. The *one thing this guy is good at* is figuring out when people don't like him (like when they announce that they don't like him) and then gunning for them.

First challenge: Ozzy vs. "Coach" for reward. Probst declares this "a hero challenge". See, this is why I hate mixed returnee-new player seasons. From the start, the new players are told, "These are your heroes, give them a free ride!" That said, I could watch Ozzy compete in challenges all of the day - that man is just a beautiful athlete.

Semhar's poem is as awful as I remembered, but as she says, they put her on the spot. It's interesting: Ozzy gives a confessional about how he wants Semhar "alongside (him) for the long haul", but, spoiler, that doesn't happen. Yet then we get "Cochran" (spoiler) flipping because, oh, Ozzy and the cool-kids clique, they're just so insurmountable. Does not compute!

Ozzy: "We don't have to break our necks too hard." One, I think he meant backs. Two, so, okay, they're supposed to break their necks, but softly? Not a wordsmith, is Ozzy. Ozzy: "Let's go swimming!" See, there we go. The man knows his milieu.

Now we have the first temper tantrum of many over the course of the season: "Cochran" not wanting to go swimming. You know that happens in *literally all seasons of Survivor, right, John?* You should, since you're the One True Fan or whatever it is you said before. Again: this guy thinks his tribe is judging him because of his appearance, but they're actually judging him because he's *refusing to even try* to fit in. Then: "I look different from everybody else on my tribe. We have this bevy of beautiful bikini babes." Oh, yeah, like "Papa Bear" and Dawn and Jim. I cannot deal with this guy's persecution complex. I'm convinced he could have been on a tribe with eight Stephen Hawkings and still tried to play the same "EVERYBODY IS GOOD-LOOKING EXCEPT FOR ME, THE COOL KIDS ARE OUT TO GET ME" bullshit. Then he says, "If this is the 90210 tribe, I'm definitely one of the zeroes." No arguments here...but he stole that "90210" line from Shambo. *Shambo*. He runs into the water. Everyone laughs. Semhar is, in fairness, kind of laughing at him more than with him. Given that she goes on to win the game, I can see why he feels everyone is against him.

The winner of Survivor South Pacific

Cut to Upolu. Sophie's first confessional. I'm actually much more impressed than I thought I would be! I clearly remembered the scene of her saying she graduated with a degree in Russian, and then speaking Russian with "Coach", and then her making fun of "Coach"'s poor Russian. But I remember her seeming more obnoxious the first time I saw it---being too-cool-for-school, I-know-Russian-and-you-don't-nyah-nyah about it. Actually, she gives "Coach" no indication that not a fluent Russian speaker, and her confessional about it is remarkably even-handed and clear-headed; she seems to understand "Coach"'s many failings, but also see that his experience out here can be useful to her.

Edna confessional about how "Coach"'s experience out there is an asset to the tribe.

Christine follows up her already rocky social play by going to look for a hidden immunity idol while everyone else is working together to build a shelter. Dumb move.

Dawn gives a confessional about being opposed to Ozzy's laissez-faire style of leadership.

Okay, so "Coach" and...is that Mikayla?...approach Brandon about his "loco" neck tattoo. Now, if I'm out there, the first guy I'm voting out is the guy who calls himself "Coach", and the second guy is the guy with the "loco" tattoo. It's not rocket science. But this confessional Brandon gives now, it annoys me so much. Let me transcribe it.
"I'm ashamed of that tattoo. I have a tattoo on my neck that says 'loco'. In Spanish that means 'crazy'. So right off the bat, people are gonna start looking at my neck and thinking I'm really crazy. At one point in my life, I kinda was crazy, but, it was a childish thing I did. I tried to act like Russell in high school, I was bullying everybody. And I'm really not like that. I'm a different person now. I've grew up a lot, and God's #1 for me."

What gets to me with Brandon is the hypocrisy. There's such a thing as tattoo removal, you know? If you look at how he behaved in Caramoan, at how he treats Mikayla, it's clear that he still *is* a crazy bully, but unlike Russell, he doesn't have the courage to own it. And the number of fans out there who'll take this confessional and others like these at face value, it boggles my mind. Brandon is not a nice guy just because he says he's a nice guy.

Intercut with this confessional: Mikayla teases Brandon about his tattoo; it's clear he feels threatened, challenged. "Coach" and Brandon walk off together. "Coach" says, "Mikayla's a pretty girl." Brandon says, "I don't know, man. That's Delilah, son." (sic). If a woman challenges Russell, it scares him, and he targets her. Brandon is doing *exactly the same thing*, and, what's worse, framing it in a Biblical reference. Russell can at least own his misogyny. Brandon is the exact same guy, except he thinks God is cosigning his awfulness. It's not cool.

Next, he gives a confessional on this topic: Mikayla has to go because she's attractive and that's what God would want. Also, he refers to himself as "a young, married gentleman", which kind of reminds me of the time Butt-Head tells a girl's dad that he is a "proper gentleman", except that I enjoy watching Butt-Head.

Pictured : The Butthead

Nighttime at Upolu. This is just a pivotal scene: Sophie, Albert, "Coach", Brandon and Rick, hanging out on the beach. "Coach" makes a little speech about how a "strong five" can go far in the game; Albert agrees that this five should be the alliance; so does Brandon; neither Rick nor Sophie says anything.

Now, here's the thing about Survivor. The premiere is the story of three days in the lives of eighteen people, and we see 65 minutes of it (hour and a half minus commercials). Three days times eighteen people, that's 77,760 minutes of footage. Therefore, we're seeing 65 out of 77,760 minutes - less than one thousandth of what's actually going on out there. But until they somehow do a season that shows you every minute of every person's experience, *all you can go with is what they show you*. Sophie fans like to say, "Sophie put that alliance together and it ended up on the cutting-room floor!" But...they can't back it up with anything, other than what Sophie said on some podcast or another, and she's hardly an objective source of information. What's to keep Rick from giving a podcast saying *he* made the alliance? What's to keep Jonathan Penner from giving a podcast saying *he* made the alliance, but that after the show ended, they edited the footage to remove him and put a CGI Albert in in his place? Many people in the Survivor community like to do this---pick out a factoid or two that supports the idea that the person they know in real life was the mastermind. But the one-thousandth of the information that actually airs on the show, plus one or two random factoids, does not equal "the truth". The whole truth is, by definition, unknowable. Therefore, I like to just go from what I see on the show. Sophie won the game because she's good at bragging about things she may or may not have done, and if that sold to a jury, more power to her, but it doesn't sell to me - not when the show shows me "Coach" making the alliance with five random people who happen to be on the beach. As far as I'm concerned, if "Coach" had chosen Stacey and not Sophie to be in the "random people on the beach" alliance, Sophie would've left the game where Stacey did.

Leaving that aside, though, it's still atrocious gameplay on the part of the other four. Day one on Survivor, you *never* let a majority congregate without you being in it. What were Christine, Stacey, Mikayla and Edna thinking?

Day 2, 30 minutes in: Dawn's first reference to "having a mini-breakdown". 31 minutes, she's crying. I would be okay with an automatic psych medevac for anyone who cries, ever, in Survivor. Ever see Brian Heidik cry? I rest my case. If you're out there to play the game, you play the game. If you're, like, a person with emotions, that's understandable, but...I feel about Dawn the same way most people would feel if their favourite baseball team signed a new second baseman who needed to take a break to cry after every pitch. This is the big leagues. Focus on the damn game or go back to triple-A. Full points to Ozzy here, though: he doesn't seem to respect this foolishness any more than I do, he's not an emotional guy, he just wants to swim and climb a tree, but he comforts her because he knows he's expected to be the leader and that that's what he has to do. Maybe his best social play ever.

Sophie confessional: she accurately reads that Brandon is insincere and "hiding something". Okay, points for that.

Semhar costs her tribe immunity. What I hadn't remembered was how out-there Jim is in his criticism of her for that. The less said, the better, in this kind of situation. Ugh. Badly played, Jim.

Back at Upolu, referring to the immunity idol clue they won, Christine says, "People now know that the game has started." Well, Christine, the people who formed the majority alliance that will become this game's more-or-less final five *two days ago* seem to have known the game started two days ago. Good for you, catching up, though!

Semhar: "Something that might hold me back in this game is that I'm extremely honest." Well, that and screwing up the challenge, yes. God, these people vex me! Ozzy pushes for "Cochran" to go over Semhar; Jim insists Semhar go. I seem to recall this from my first watch, too: Jim calls the shots at Savaii, not Ozzy.

Jim : Calling the Shots

Jim and Papa Bear approach "Cochran" to let him know he's being targeted because Ozzy thinks he's the weakest. He responds with a loud, bleating whine: "I'm not the weakest!" Very convincing show of strength, there, John. A couple of minutes later, he whines in the same voice: "To be the first person kicked off? The first person, when I'm on a tribe with Papa Bear and Semhar and all these GIRLS? That's insulting!" First of all, the high pitch of his voice here, I just can't do justice to in writing. It's like Cirie, except less masculine. Second of all, the assumption that you're inherently better than, gasp, GIRLS? Maybe *that's* why people don't like you: not because you're weak (though you are) or socially awkward (though you are) but because you're a miserable sexist douchebag. There's this meme in society that if you're a "nerd", you must be a really nice, smart guy underneath it all, and "Cochran" just proves that that isn't true. And this says nothing of the fact that Papa Bear is being incredibly nice to "Cochran", and that "Cochran"'s reaction is to whine that Papa Bear should be voted off before him. Classy!

At TC, Dawn complains about how life out here isn't like her life at home. You know, unlike the other eight people you're out there with, Dawn, who have their families out there with them. *That's* what bothers me most about Dawn, I think. Relative to the other competitors, she's self-absorbed. It's all about how hard this is for Dawn. You never see her thinking, "This must be hard for Semhar too!", and trying to support her. No - it's All About Dawn. Compare this to Papa Bear, who consistently seems concerned with supporting others.

Semhar: "Was it a slight relief that some people saw 'Cochran' as a weaker link than me? (continues to talk)"
"Cochran", interrupts: "Has anybody said that directly, though?" Then he confronts her, telling her he's better at the game than her, and forgets her name. Poor little Cochran, being bullied by these mean girls! ...oh, wait, that's not what's happening at all. *He's* the bully. *He's* the jerk. But because he has glasses, he's the victim.

Pictured : The Victim of this Episode

"Cochran" voting confessional, about Semhar: "You've questioned my intelligence, you've questioned my commitment to this game..." Wait, what? When? She's questioned his *ability to play this game*, which borders on zero. That's a much different thing. Nonetheless, Semhar votes "Cochran", everybody else votes Semhar.

So...that's episode 1. At least Sophie is more likable than I'd remembered! Your thoughts?