Kalzer & Hawtin Re-Watch Survivor South Pacific

Mark Kalzer Reviews Episode 1: 'I Need Redemption'

             We open with the returning players.  I don’t think they did this for Philippines.  Seems they haven’t thought about giving attention to the newbies.  We’re just getting what they think we want to see, and well, they are probably right.  I know I’m in the minority when I say I’d rather NOT see more of Coach and Ozzy, but whatever.  I’m a minority consumer of big American network TV.

            Ozzy says he needs redemption because he hasn’t been able to lock his hands on the million, cause that’s just what we ALL need redemption for.  Tip for future players, the sure fire way to get airtime on Survivor is to latch onto a buzz word the producers are tossing around like ‘redemption’ and find some half assed way to justify in your own narrative.  Or you just repeat Russell’s name a half dozen times per episode.

            First new rookie to talk is Cochran, followed by Rick.  Wait Rick?  I didn’t think he talked until his final words in the finale!  See these are the things you only discover in re-watches!

            After Coach and Ozzy arrive, Christina remarks that they are ‘temporary players’.  Way to go Christina.  In the game of forming the biggest alliance, you’ve already alienated someone who ISN’T EVEN ON YOUR TRIBE YET!  You may recall on Philippines where the only slightly better player Jeff Kent talks about getting rid of Jonathan Penner first, but AWAY from Penner.  Remember how ‘not voted out first’ Jeff Kent was? 

Cochran, immediately a better player by adopting by removing the shackles of his first name

            Cochran points out how all of the best players are named by their last name.  I thought this immediately and still can’t figure it out.  When does Probst do this?!  Maybe Penner, but I stop short of calling Penner one of the greats.  I know in the younger circles it’s allegedly more fashionable to call yourself by your last name.  That’s why the Tampa Bay baseball team is now called the Rays, and the Toronto team was almost going to be re-named the Jays.  I still question the mentality of that.  Course we’re calling this blog Kalzer & Hawtin so, let it be known, you have my permission to call me Mark still.

            Okay… we haven’t even gotten to the beach and Rick has a SECOND confessional!  They must still be harbouring a delusion that Rick will be some break out star in this.   I can’t say that his confessionals are dreadful or anything so I just don’t get why they make him invisible after this.

            Coach confesses about how he’ll take the game more seriously, but cannot resist tagging it with ‘Gonna have to have twice the slayer charm to get ahead’.  Why do players continue to harbor the delusion that by giving something a nickname like ‘slayer charm’ or ‘stealth R us’ automatically makes it a thing that exists?  It’s like when Screech Powers proclaims to be using that patented Screech Powers charm to win Lisa over.  I can’t say I’m referring to an incident specifically but I’m sure that happened somewhere.

            Now just in case anyone in the audience had any false ideas about who the stars of the season were, Ozzy and Coach alone will do the first challenge.  Is this right?  Has Standards and Practices approved this?  (The regulatory board I mean, not the kick ass improv team.)  Ozzy tries to cheat early on, Coach immediately afterward.  This foreshadows how even we’ll be this season.  Coach tends to ignore the advice being shouted down.  If you listen closely Sophie appears to be giving him the best advice but he doesn’t listen either because he’s in his head, or there’s too many voices. 

            After winning Ozzy and Probst congratulate the whole tribe for helping.  He announces the tribe can take it easy since they won the flint, while secretly hoping there’s no one there who will take 8 hours to figure out how to use it.  Ozzy’s carrying himself really well at this point, and hey, it’s easy to do this stuff when you aren’t worried about tribal council.  Really all Ozzy had to do was to just NEVER go to Tribal Council and he’d win the game.  I suppose we might get to see that play out later on…

            Ozzy in confessional points out how he’d like to keep Semhar for the long haul.  I’m sure this’ll pay off somehow. 

            Now while it’s easy to play well when you aren’t voting, Cochran manages to find an easy way to play horribly by not wanting to jump in the water.  You see this is where Cochran 1.0’s biggest problems lie.  That self-doubt.  We’ll see it in Brandon too.  You just can’t play Survivor if something as simple as taking your shirt off scares you.  We’ll see it later at Tribal Council where he’ll forget Semhar’s name, and feel horribly guilty for it. 

            And look, I know how he feels.  I just think back to my early days of improv where simple tasks like clap focus scared me.  I thought the panic of a misplayed offer or a name forgotten would set me back behind the crowd.  But I got over it.  If you forget a name, that’s an honest mistake and you can move past it.  But Cochran is telegraphing to everyone just how unsure of himself he really is.  Everyone can see it, and it will hold him back the entire time he’s out there.

            Back at Upolu, Sophie finally talks.  In fact, we learn she speaks Russian as does Coach.  She talk about… wait what DO they talk about?  We’re provided subtitles but, in Russian.  That doesn’t help us remotely.  Was the Russian to English translator too expensive for CBS? 

            Anyways, the first several confessions on Upolu are all about Coach cause, well that’s the only thing I’m sure anyone wants to talk about. 

            Christina finally breaks away from the group to hunt for idols.  I suppose if anything, this is what I DO like about idols is the risk factor.  Especially early on, if you want to do it, you can go looking for the idol but you risk alienating yourself from the group.  That idol really only helps you when you’re already in a big alliance.  An idol by itself won’t help you against an alliance of 5.  You might get one round ahead and well, then what?

            Jim joins the history of storied survivors who have lied about their profession and you know what, he’s good at it.  No hesitation, he had details.  It looked organic.  Also note, Mark joins the storied history of Survivor players who are A) not going by the name Mark, a group that includes EVERYONE, and B) uses a nickname.  Can I just point out how annoyed I am by people who give themselves a nickname?  Let somebody else name you.  All right done.  Still haven’t had a Mark on Survivor.

            Back on Upolu, the core five alliance is formed.  It seems they’re just hanging out and all of a sudden an alliance is formed.  Now say what you will about Sophie doing or not doing something, bottom line is, there was a social gathering, and she was with it.  Albert said he trusts these people the most, and of course why not?  These 4 are the ones he’s talked to the most, so of course he’ll trust them the most.  You don’t really have to do much in the early going other than to just be in the biggest group.  So long as your group is a slight majority, (unlike that 4 person alliance in Caramoan) your early game is set.

            Now Brandon’s in a good situation, but he still cannot stop talking about Russell.  If I was out there and was Brandon’s coach, by that I mean coach in the literal sense, not the Benjamin sense, I would advise him to just let go of the Russell.  This isn’t competitive wrestling, this is Survivor.  Most of the best players get known on their own terms, but all Brandon can think about is somebody who isn’t even in this game.  So what if they find out he’s a Hantz?  Coach is the only one who’s actually lived with Russell.  The rest of Upolu will know Brandon better then they know Russell whom they’ve only seen on TV to this point.  The fact that Brandon is hiding something is telegraphed to Sophie, and you see, Sophie’s smart.  She can read his body language.  Doesn’t even matter what it is, she just knows Brandon is insecure about something and it likely has stakes behind it.

            Brandon’s other problem is Mikayla.  This paragraph is hard for me to start just because there’s so much to read into this and in ways that have nothing to do with Survivor.  I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with this problem in real life, even in the construction field.  I just gather he’s been raised to believe that these feelings are evil and sinful, and that he should be ashamed of them.  If that’s true, it kind of makes me sad.  It’s like the kids still being taught that homosexuality is something you should be ashamed of.  But we’re all human.  We’re allowed to have these feelings.  So long as they aren’t harmful to anyone and so long as Brandon never acts on them, why must we be training people to feel this way about your inner you?  Mikayla is really attractive.  It doesn’t mean Brandon is unfaithful to his wife.  Now of course, this is me blogging from Canada.  I don’t know Brandon, I’ve never met him, kinda hope I never do after the Caramoan incident, and this could all be baloney on my part, but I can only gauge it as I see it on TV.  

            So we have an immunity challenge, and Semhar loses it for Savaii.  As Upolu is receiving the idol I notice that for the second time in-group shots Sophie is placed in the back row off to the side.  She’s not a tall girl so, what’s up with this?

            As Probst turns his attention to Savaii he points out Jim Rice making faces behind Semhar possibly violating another S&P regulation.  Seriously, when they get back to camp Jim Rice is all ‘I wasn’t making faces behind you’ and Semhar points out that Jeff said so.  Didn’t Jeff agree to stop doing this after Borneo when he’d recite things said only on camera at Tribal Council?  I regardless, Jim’s clearly playing way too hard early on.  I like that he’s thinking the game but his mouth is liable to get him into trouble.  I almost wish his end had more to it than a simple Pagonging.

            The debate back at camp is on weather Semhar should have stepped up to the plate to play erm, basketball.  Sorry that should have read step up to the court.  She was of course terrible but Ozzy for some reason sees something good in this.  I credit Ozzy for being the total anti-Brandon and instead of fighting his attraction to these girls, instead justifies it with half-smart sounding confessionals.  Meanwhile everyone who isn’t Ozzy and Semhar agree that Semhar lost the challenge, and that while Cochran seems to be a bit of an outsider, he at least you know, didn’t lose the challenge. 

            So we go to the first tribal council and this being the first of a pair of seasons, the first tribal council set always gets kind of thrown together lazily.  I swear this is exactly how the Philippines tribal council set looked.  Also noted, Jeff continues to call it ‘going home’ even though we all know that A) they don’t go home they just go to Ponderosa and a vacation and B) they’re going to Redemption Island, not ‘home’.  Why has this been allowed to continue?! 

            Most of what was brought up I’ve already discussed so I’ll just end this by highlighting my favorite misspelling of a name at tribal council.  First winner of the Survivor Spelling Bee goes to Jim Rice, voting for ‘Sehar’.  Way to go Jim.  I’ll forgive you if this is the first Semhar you’ve ever met, but how many Sehars are there?  Let me just google it… nope, Indian movie.  You voted for an Indian Hindi action crime drama.  This does not bode well for the future.