Kalzer & Hawtin Re-Watch Survivor South Pacific, Episode 6 "Free Agent"

This was tragically the best ironic pic I could find to tie in with "Free Agent".  Let's hope Ozzy never names an episode again.

The major gripe of every die hard old school Survivor fan is how painfully obvious it is that modern day Survivor players just haven’t been watching the show.  Oh sure they’ve probably watched the last couple seasons courtesy CBS handing them DVD sets, (leading them all to liken Fabio as their favorite player of all time.) but that’s not knowing the game the way we do.  Cochran’s the only one we know for certain has seen every season, and I could make a case for Sophie and Jim as well, though Sophie doesn’t talk up her fandom nearly as much as Cochran does. 

            I bring this up because, Brandon.  Brandon Brandon Brandon.  How is it after 22 season someone could still have some delusion they can bring ‘good’ into this game?  Set aside the fact Brandon’s already blown his chance to be a nice player with his half-assed lie to Christine and Stacey earlier, this week Brandon’s got a beef with his alliance continuing to lie and deceive.  As in, the alliance shouldn’t be hiding the fact that it’s an alliance and has people not in it.  I think there’s a good debate to be had about loyalty versus strength in a pre-merge situation, but that’s not what Brandon is seeing.  He says it’s a black & white issue, either they stick to their original alliance of 5 plus Edna, (spelling it out in crystal clear detail so that Mikayla can go tell Christine at Redemption Island) or they are all dirty rotten scumbags worse than Russell and Hitler combined.  Clearly the only seasons he’s watched are the ones starring Russell Hantz cause if he had watched Pearl Islands or Borneo, he’d know that moral relativity is the dilemma that defines Survivor.  Rather than finding more nuance to that balance, we get players like Brandon who cry foul that lying is bad, despite having already done it. 

            Now I accept that the producers need players like this to keep the game interesting.  Without people questioning the morals of the game you get seasons like One World, which despite featuring one of the greatest single season performances by a winner ever, is considerably boring to most viewers.  It just bothers fans like me to no end that rather than staking the deck with 16 great or would be great players, we get Brandon, flanked by Coach and Ozzy who have also never shown a firm grasp on the game.  I would love another Heroes Vs. Villians showdown where the best players face off.  About 15 or so of that cast could be classified as ‘great’ either by reputation or by the experience of a 39 day season behind them.  Our last great chance at that kind of a showdown was Caramoan, filled with most of the worst players in recent memory. 

And Julie.  She... could've gone places.

            On to the recap, and speaking of a firm grasp on the game, Ozzy following his near-blindside shows none of the skill and social wits that would typically be evident of someone on their third time on Survivor, moping and complaining about the blindside last night.  I’m sure he’ll figure this game out in his fourth time out. Part of me feels for Ozzy.  It always hurts to be left out of a major decision, but dude, the game is still on for you.  They kept you for a reason.  Why not put a smile on and laugh it off?  Course I’m not Ozzy, (No matter how much I try) I’m not out there miles from home on an island surrounded by fools. 

It’s still dark out when Ozzy says to his tribe “Whatever, it doesn’t really matter.  I’m done playing the alliance way.  So I’m now what’s called a free agent.”  Way to go Ozzy.  Three seasons in, why not just give up on the whole alliance thing? This is the kind of innovation I think the game needs, the classic ‘No Alliance’ strategy last utilized in Survivor Borneo.  I love how he refers to ‘free agent’ like it’s some Survivor jargon everyone uses in common parlance.  If Brandon and Cochran were on the same tribe we could get a scene where Brandon goes to Cochran and asks “Free agent, what does that mean?”  Considering this is Ozzy’s third season I figure he’s eligible for free agency right about now in his career.  Hmm…How many free agents have there been on Survivor?  There’s the 8 members of Pagong, then… Danni Boatwright?  No she stuck with her original tribe as long as she could.  Maybe he means Billy Garcia.  Yes, Billy Garcia was a free agent.  Ozzy is imitating the genius Survivor gameplay of Billy Garcia.

            We then get this exchange.

Whitney : I don’t get why you would play it so personal.  It wasn’t against you.

Ozzy: It’s against me when you don’t tell me something very crucial like that.  It’s obviously against me.  (Aside:  He’s got a good point here.)

Dawn : Give me a break Ozzy.  There’s stuff you’re withholding and you know that.

Ozzy : I’ve got the idol. How about that? … There’s another side of this game you’ve forgotten about.  Called Redemption.

            See, I know in some circles, many circles actually, acting tough is highly regarded.  In politics most people in leadership positions consider it the only thing that matters.  Buildings could crumble and the atmosphere could get polluted and unions could be striking and it wouldn’t matter so long as the leader never ‘caved’.  That’s how I size up this whole confrontation.  Ozzy prides himself on being a tough leader but now he looks weak, so he fights back by acting more tough.  “You think you’re clever?  Well I have an idol!  Suck that!  I’ll go to Redemption and you’ll be screwed anyways.”  I hate this in politics, I hate this in real life, and I hate this here. Ozzy is of course, right that he can just rely on Redemption Island, but is there any reason to rub it in their faces?  Will that get him jury votes?  (I realize he’s a jury favorite late in the game but rest assured that has nothing to do with anything that happens in this episode.)  It frustrates me to no end that this season was dominated by someone who barely even needs to pretend to be playing a traditional game of Survivor. 

"Rather than form an alliance I thought I'd just stare wistfully into the distance."

            Cut to a title sequence that teases us into thinking it will be a full one with titles by going on longer than last week’s, only for it end abruptly.  Clearly the title editors are playing games with us. 

            The next day we get a combined Ozzy pouting Ozzy fishing sequence, satisfying both the I-Love-Ozzy and I-Hate-Ozzy fan contingents in a single sequence.  “Doesn’t make sense.”  He says in confession.  “When you try to create tribe unity, they have to be forthcoming if they want me to be a part of this tribe.  And I’m a big part of this tribe.  They want to win challenges and get farther, they have to trust me.”  I find it remarkable that even with Ozzy’s supposed challenge dominance Savaii is below .500 in winning percentage.  See if this was a traditional Survivor season with all new players, it would be galling for one player to talk like they are the centre piece of any tribe, even if they are Rupert or Russell or Richard Hatch or Wanda.  (How is this my first Wanda reference?!) You want to play that hand later in the game.  But Ozzy’s the TV star already, and they are the nobodies.  (Next season should be Stars Vs. Nobodies.  Oh wait that was Caramoan.)  Ozzy expects to be welcomed in, and at the start of this game he actually was.  The failure of Ozzy seems to be that he is now taking it for granted.

            While Ozzy pouts, the Savaii members congratulate themselves on their semi defeat of Ozzy.  Jim brags about how this has gone better than planned, the icing on the cake being the idol reveal.  Dawn laments that Ozzy should be apologizing to them.  Cochran says “He’s just behaving like a stupid bitch” to which his tribe laughs.  Keith and Whitney, well, they never bring up their attempt to please Ozzy with the Dawn votes.  Just as I thought, this is never brought up again for the rest of Survivor South Pacific. 

            Over on Upolu we get an update on the idol situation.  Coach has told Albert and Sophie about the idol, but he is wisely nervous about telling Brandon since Brandon is prone to spilling the beans on everything you tell him in private.  He’s basically Screech on Saved by the Bell, only without the horrific voice, but also exactly as un funny.

He's doing a face.  Get it?

            Brandon decides to go idol hunting.  We the viewers already know the idol won’t be found but we do get a moment of obtuse glory when he finds a clue.  Wow, they are still putting out clues after it’s been found?  I suppose the producers are bound by rules to keep planting them after every immunity win but still, aren’t the editors just beating a dead horse here?  This of course leads to a series of scenes where Brandon is compared to Russell, mostly by Coach.  Actually, only by Coach.  The rest of us stopped comparing him to Russell a long time ago.  The thing Coach doesn’t get is that Russell’s only great achievement was in finding idols without clues, not clues to idols that are no longer there.  Epic fail.  Is there anyone at this point still hoping for a Russell game to occur? 

            Five minutes pass and this comparison montage is still going on.  Coach starts having flashbacks to moments of Russell idol searching.  We even get an insert shot of Russell doing the same thing on the exact same beach.  I’m surprised we didn’t get the Lost flashback sound effect at this transition.  Coach then puts on a show for the cameras where he acts real nervous that he’s seeing the return of Russell Hantz, his so called ‘nemesis’.  Point of order here, has Coach forgotten that Russell never actually voted against him?  If you go back and watch Heroes vs. Villians you’ll notice it was Sandra that pulled off the Coach exit, planting a seed in Russell that caused him to turn the entire tribe against Coach, only for Russell at the last minute to realize how stupid his plan was (in a rare moment of Russell sanity) and throw his vote for Courtney.  So really, Coach should be calling Sandra his nemesis.  Course the only way he’d know Sandra even pulled this off would be for him to watch Heroes vs Villians.  I imagine he watched up until his boot episode before having to stop to keep himself from crying.

"A Pearl Island?  Is that some kind of idol?"

            Buried here is a moment where Albert makes some insightful comments to Coach about how it’s best not to tell Brandon about the idol, since Brandon is liable to fly off the handle if he learns they’ve been hiding it from him.  Sign of things to come?  It’s a wise insight on Albert’s behalf, but it also just goes to show just how truly awful Brandon is as an ally.  Can’t trust him to keep a secret, can’t trust him to backstab when you need him to backstab, gullible. Etc. etc.  He may very well be the worst player of Survivor ever.  Yes… even worse than Shammar.  Can someone explain to me how he ever got called back?  Scratch that, I know why.

Pictured : Drama.

            Off to the duel.  Notice we didn’t get a single scene from Redemption Island this week?  Must because there were no dynamic characters (i.e. male) there in the words of Jeff Probst.  I also notice in the ‘Previously On Survivor’ segment Jeff makes no mention of the RI duel from last week.  I am just coming off a re-watch of Pearl Islands where Jeff would recap every minor beat, including reward challenges, pelican attacks and Rupert updates.  This week’s was barely a recap, focusing entirely on Coach and Ozzy.   I don’t know if I’ve said this in this blog already or on the ‘Previously On Survivor’ facebook group, but I think Jeff may be about the only producer who actually supports Redemption Island.  All of us fans find it to be a needless distraction, and I notice the marketing for this season has really pulled back from mentioning it at all.  Even in Caramoan when they were introducing the season they made no mention of the trips Cochran and Brandon made to Redemption Island while recapping their past seasons.  The only time I hear it about now is when Jeff does interviews, boasting “I want redemption island back.”  It hurts to see how much he doesn’t see that it breaks the game.  More than idols, and more than final 3.  After this season’s near travestry, where Ozzy nearly wins despite sitting out most of the game, I feel some higher up producer put a stop to it.  Notice how the decision to stop Redemption Island happened between South Pacific and One World, before South Pacific would air?  I just feel the higher ups were as annoyed with it as we were.  When you listen to Probst, the way he defends Redemption Island almost sounds like’s he pitching it to the higher up producers and not us fans, the same way Russell keeps pitching that the results of Samoa and HvV should get overturned.

            Before the duel begins Jeff does his usual Jeff Probst Show banter.

Probst : Christine, Redemption Island has really become your home.  More days spent there than in the game.

Christine : Yes it has become my home unfortunately.

Probst : Unfortunately?

            Oh what the fuck Jeff?  Seriously… what the fuck?!  YES, Redemption Island is hard.  Isn’t this just exploitative?  Maybe Jeff thinks this is some horrible injustice put upon her, but the fact is it is him and the producers torturing her by giving her this faint chance she can somehow resume her ‘quest’ for a million dollars despite the fact she’d be entering with no alliance and no real contact with anyone of note since day 6.  Christine starts crying.  Jeff has a sorry look on his face, all the while clearly congratulating himself in his head for how good a job he thinks he’s doing.  I’d hate to see Jeff do a documentary on homeless people.  “This cardboard box really has become your home!”  “Yes it is miserable.”  “Really?  Miserable?”  This is the same kind of crap they pulled during the Exile Island era.  There’s no great production magic to it.  Send one castaway to an empty island for two days, and then spend the next Tribal Council grilling said player on how difficult it was.  None of this is organic to the game.  It’s just producer initiated machinery at work and I’d rather they leave that kind of crap to Big Brother.

            The duel is shuffleboard.  Not exactly a physical endurance.  As usual I’ll just skip to the part where Christine wins.

            Yay.  Christine wins.  Though from the look on her face, she might as well have lost.  She is so sick of Redemption Island at this point and I don’t blame her.  The only thing of note here, Christine does the trademark move of scratching her nose behind a giant ass blur while looking upon her ex tribemates.  Sophie and Rick conclude that there is no way Christine will vote with them should she ever get back.  Ozzy and Keith also watched this from the Savaii bench.  You’d think Ozzy would come to the same conclusion Sophie does, but Ozzy doesn’t think that way about the game, or otherwise he just couldn’t see the blur form his angle. 

            After the act break we see Edna and Coach looking for coconuts.  Coach really likes having her around.  “She’s the one person out here who would lay her Survivor life down for me” he says.  That’s, a pretty bold assumption.  If I was playing Survivor I’d want everyone to think I’d lay down my Survivor life for them.  Actually, no I wouldn’t cause then they’d actually ask me to do so.  In any case, Coach’s ego must be that huge to think someone would play entirely to help his game.  Has he never heard the words of John Carroll?  He clearly hasn't seen Marquasas since that was 10 years ago and Coach isn’t playing in any way like Vecepia.

"Hey why is that kid from Amazing Race on our tribe?"

            Back on Savaii, Ozzy decides it’s time to give up on free agency after 12 hours on the market.  Way to go Ozzy.  Way to remember what game you’re playing.  He makes nice with everyone and goes to the camp and apologizes , says he wants to reunify the camp and that that was the reason he revealed to everyone his idol.  Um… yeah Ozzy I was with you until that remark.  I continue to find tribe unity a trite silly thing useful for strategy and nothing more, but Ozzy seems to believe in it.  But hey, it’s useful in this situation and brings everyone back to the same level.  Everyone is happy.  Even Jim, who likes that there’s a bigger target on Ozzy than on himself.

            Off to the slingshot challenge.  The preview from last week teased this as a challenge Cochran completely blows so of course we spend the entire first half of the challenge anticipating this moment.  It comes… and… they just blow right through that stage with only slight troubles.  How anti climactic.  Is this maybe some double reverse setup for Cochran’s challenge failure next week?  Instead of Cochran failing the highlight of this challenge is Mikayla’s failure.  She’s trying to shoot cocunuts at the targets across the field but is terrible at it.  She later switches to one hand slingshot technique and is more terrible at it.  Coach tries to do what good Coaches do and pull her from the game but she refuses.  Not good.  If Ozzy was still on the market as a free agent maybe he could have acquired him at this point and subbed him in.  That’s how sports work right?  Despite a minor lead from the wheelbarrel phase Upolu loses entirely because of Mikayla.

            Savaii wins and goes on reward at the stone water slide.  We get a half descent scene of Cochran feeling awkward taking his shirt off and going down the slide.  He’s like Garth Algar sliding down a firepole.  (Too obscure?)  Bottom line of the scene is that Savaii is united again.  Tribe is feeling good. 

            Over on Upolu, Coach blames himself for the loss, while simultaneously blaming Mikayla.  “Mikayla wasn’t Coachable in the challenge.”  I love to pretend Coach was just a proper name and not otherwise a verb when I read that.  It’s like if Phillip was to say “Francesca wasn’t Phillipable in that challenge.  I tried to Phillip her as hard as I could.” 

Pictured : Phillip, Philliping in the Phillipines. 

            There’s actually a divide in the tribe I had completely forgotten about before this re-watch.  It’s no surprise I forgot considering the final outcome of this season.  It seems Coach and Brandon want Mikayla out, Albert and Sophie want Edna out, and Rick is the swing vote.  The annoying part for Albert and Sophie is that Brandon actually really wants Edna out because Edna has been really sweet to him, and Brandon being Brandon and Edna being female, Brandon can only assume this means she’s playing some devilish game with him.  But for Brandon to vote her off would be to betray the pecking order he has already told everyone about.  Brandon finally tells Albert and Sophie “I’m going to stick to my word if it costs me my game.  I pray you guys respect that.”  Well Brandon, they don’t respect that, and praying won’t make any difference on that front. 

            Albert shows another clever insight during this strategy session.  As tight as the final 3 are, Albert’s thinking ahead to see that Coach really wants to keep Edna because she appears to be loyal.  But as Albert says later “Loyalty can be faked, can’t fake strength.”  Coach really has to be gullible to think any player would lay down their Survivor life for him, but there’s just no convincing him otherwise.  Unfortunately for us trying to re-frame the discussion of this season into one led by Albert and Sophie, this vote kind of works against that theory since Coach splits off for them temporarily and votes out Mikayla, just validating the more prevalent theory that Coach controls this entire game. 

            I always find these debates of who is ‘controlling’ highly flawed.  Yes, sometimes you have Boston Rob literally feeding everyone in his tribe every vote they must cast, and it’s usually pathetic to watch.  (Just go look at the voting chart for RI.  Now go scream in a bathtub.)  With Coach here, you can either say he is dictating every vote from his pedestal, or I think more accurately, his tribemates are choosing to follow because it works to their advantage.  There’s a lot of layers to this, and this is certainly more complicated than how Boston Rob ran the show by having final 3 alliances with everyone.  To Albert and Sophie, this arrangement works for them.  Sophie especially has no motivation to stir the pot since the way she’s got the game plotted out, she can win sitting next to those two.  (Though we only know that from hindsight)  Albert and Sophie are a voting unit (for now at least) so you have to figure they can swing a vote if they need to.  This Edna vs. Mikayla vote isn’t such a critical that it breaks their game, though I’m sure they’d like to keep Mikayla’s vote if only to use against Coach if they ever need.  The other factor also being missed is that there’s still a descent chance Mikalya could get back into the game (so long as there isn’t a slingshot duel) and maybe this is just a way to curry favour with her should she make it back in.

            Getting back to the question of who ‘control’s the game, the other complicating factor, and it’s the most difficult thing for modern day Survivor viewers is that we just rarely ever get that scene where everyone meets up and decides who the vote is.  Moreso than before, the editing is all about suspense and misdirection even if the vote is as obvious as voting Ozzy out at final 4.  In almost every case, they can just never show us that scene.  This particular episode is the closest we get if only because the point of suspense rests upon Rick rather then collective alliance. Other than this week, without that scene of ‘we are doing this’ we just never can get a clear picture of just who exactly is calling the shot and how people are reacting to it. 

            This tribal council is actually a pretty good one as the aforementioned debate builds between keeping someone for strength or for loyalty.  Coach being Coach, can’t say enough about honour, integrity and loyalty.   This whole conversation pisses off Brandon who insists he tried to remain quiet at this tribal council.  (He clearly got some sort of speaking to from an alliance member.)  “Loyal loyal loyal.  Why can’t we be strict?  We cannot be divided and still have loyalty.  Character you live with for the rest of your life.”  The entire conversation offends him.  I’m sure he feels all high and mighty doing this, and that maybe somehow he thinks this is motivating children somewhere to do good in this world. 

This kind of puts Coach on the spot here and once again, this is a theme that will recur throughout the season.  “The problem is there’s a point of being too honest and you have to remember that there’s some cards that will be revealed and that there’s some cards that must stay hidden for a time, but it doesn’t mean you’re being disloyal or dishonest.” Well, yes it does Coach, but that’s fine so long as you admit that you are doing this for the purpose of the game.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, taking a moral high ground is the worst way to play Survivor cause you either get blindsided for your ignorance early on (Like Coach) or you can called out on it by the jury at your final tribal council.  (Again, like Coach.)  It’s a no-win scenario. 

Oh right… Mikayla gets voted off, and it has nothing to do this time with Brandon’s sexual fetish with her.  Boy did that plot line peter out.  Mikayla still can’t believe they kept Edna over her.  I’m sure this will have lasting ramifications at the Redemption Island duel next week, which if you care, will be another Upolu vs Upolu match.

George Hawtin

SP: This thing in the previouslies where Ben does a little dance and goes, "Beep beep!", was that in the show? I feel like I'd have mocked it if it was in the show. Then he says, "When it comes to friends, you can never have too many," which is true of Survivor, but if Ben acts like his "Coach" persona in real life, his motto should be more like, "When it comes to friends, you can never have two." Then it cuts to "Cochran" saying, "(Ozzy)'s becoming the arrogant fisher-boy who feels like he can do no wrong and that he's entitled to our deference". How the hell do you get through Harvard Law without knowing what "becoming" means? Then they show the gross herpes challenge and I am reminded of why I took so much time off.

Show starts. Savaii back at camp. And...okay. I co-sign everything Ozzy says here in this confessional and to his tribe about how much it sucks to be on the wrong end of a blindside. As I said last week, it's basic Jenga---if you're going to blindside somebody, you take off the guy on the top. (That's what happens in Jenga, right?) Even if they had done that, they'd have to do major damage control with Elyse at this point. But now that they took out the wrong person (on every level), they need to do *real* major damage control with Ozzy. Tell him something. Tell him *anything*. Sell him why you did this, how it's best for the team, and how you're going to continue working with him. Don't just stand there lamely all, "Okay, well, let's win challenges from now on!" And...if you're *not* going to continue working with him, then you vote *him* out, not Elyse. Whitney tries - again, lamely - to say that the vote wasn't against Ozzy...but *of course it was, come on*.

Ozzy tantrums - not great play, but understandable in this context - in the night, and then again in the day. Jim confessionals about how the plan is coming together - Ozzy isn't the leader anymore, he's taken his ball and gone home, and now Jim can be the leader! Of a discohesive, physically weak tribe of five-plus-one who are bound to get Pagonged! That's a great plan there, Jim! Unlike, say, being the smart, rational, corporate-honcho guy who rides Ozzy's challenge strength to the win - *that* never could have worked!

Most of the conversation around this blog has revolved around how responsible Survivor players are for others' reactions to them. I say almost fully - but I also say that that applies equally to *all* of them. Ozzy going off sulking instead of saying, "Sure, guys, I understand!" and doing a brief jig? That's bad play if Ozzy is trying to keep up good relationships with these people. But Jim being ecstatic because he's traded in a chance to be Yul Kwon for a chance to be Jake Billingsley? That's *also* bad play. Ultimately, that's the story of South Pacific I remembered: "nonentity plays mediocre game, defeats morons who played abominable games".

Like, "Cochran" here saying, "It's great for me that Ozzy's being a crybaby"? Sure it is, because by pretty much any metric (physical strength, social savvy, willingness to answer to own name), "Cochran" is the worst player out there (okay, he edges out Ben, just barely, on Metric 3). Anyone imploding badly enough to make it possible that "Cochran" comes 13th instead of 14th, that's good news for "Cochran". But by the metric of someone who is trying to *win the game*, your goal in the tribal part of the game should be, as little drama as possible.

Course that is just a theory.

Cochran Misogyny Watch, 5:34: he accuses Ozzy of behaving "like a stupid bitch". Which...*really*? That's what Harvard Law does for your vocabulary? For someone who has never actually talked to a girl before, I'm perhaps unduly sensitive to misogyny on Survivor, and I find Cochran very prone to this sort of thing - needlessly gendered insults. If you want to bond with your tribe about Ozzy's behaviour, there are ways without using words that are traditionally used to denigrate women. It's one of the most annoying logical fallacies, in life or in Survivor, that "big strong men are jerks, so puny men with glasses must be nice by default". They really aren't. In terms of heroism, I'll take the Rotu Four, the Fiji Horsemen, or even the Caramoan Amigos over John Cochran any day.

Now, off to the only group of people I like less than Savaii: Upolu. Brandon goes looking for the idol clue and finds it; cue about fifteen references to him having done so because he's a Hantz and that's an innate power they have. Which: no. As someone who doesn't pay any attention to off-show stuff, I will say this: there must be tips and tricks regarding how to magically find idols. I have no trouble believing that Russell was helpful to Brandon in that sense - that he maybe told him how to find idols. But it's not *innate*. Cue Benny babbling about being a "Christian man". I so don't care about this, I can't even.

What Benny does next is like an old-school Survivor strategy, except adapted in the way that only "Coach Wade" can: he explains that he *wants* to play honourably, but can't, because Brandon is too much like Russell. Heidik and Westman did this too---but *to other people*, not to themselves in confessionals. Leave it to Ben to have to sociopathically manipulate *himself*.

"I'm not I'm getting through to me."

Redemption Island challenge: shuffleboard. That's an important wilderness survival skill if ever there was one! Mid-challenge, Rick roots for Christine, so, you know, it's nice to know that he can talk. Then, circa 12:53, we get the weirdest background noise I've ever heard---an awkward, half-hearted ululating. "Ugh-uh-ugh-uhhhhh." But it is to background noises what this shuffleboard game is to challenges, what this season is to seasons, what "Coach" is to things grown people who are not Craig T. Nelson should be calling themselves. So, you know, I'm glad I caught that.

Elyse loses. She gives a speech about how she gave her all. She does not mispronounce "all" in any way, but nonetheless, I find myself in a daydream whereby she quits her job at Home Depot to be on Survivor, and the guy is mean to her. "Ms. Umemoto, turn in your name badge. And...give me your awl." And then I think, do people who work at Home Depot carry awls around with them? They probably don't. Then, because it's Elyse, I start to think about caulking, and...okay, end scene. 'Bye, Elyse!

Sophie gives a typical measured Sophie confessional about how Christine is mad and will flip if she comes back, making Christine the worst person to come back. I think probably all of the people on this season are the worst people, but other than that, she's right.

Ozzy gives his smartest confessional ever, apologizes for his tantrum.

Challenge. I was going to write a thing about how tribal cohesion is usually a bigger deal in challenges than you'd expect, and that it's better to be physically weak but work well together in challenges than to be physically strong and not. That, I was going to say, is why Upolu wins. But then...Upolu doesn't win, so never mind that. But it's interesting: they lose the challenge because Mikayla bristles when Ben tells her what to do. I do wonder, if she hadn't been clearly on the bottom of the tribe socially, if she and they would have performed better in this challenge. Benny gives a terrible confessional about how if he is to be the coach of this team, people will have to listen to him. Again, Ben: you are not the coach of this team. You are not a coach in real life. You got fired from your coaching job in real life because you sucked at it, and my greatest Survivor disappointment is that nobody (I'm thinking Sandra here) has ever brought that up. Hate this guy so much.

"Coach... you're a dumbass."

Cue scrambling. The three sane people on the tribe agree that, from a challenge perspective, they've got to keep Mikayla over Edna. The two lunatic misogynist assholes disagree. Since we're into an epoch of Survivor where two is more than three as long as the two are loud enough, Brandon and Ben get their way. Can I just say how sad it makes me that, like Savaii, Upolu isn't gunning for the big dogs? Under 100% of all circumstances, if I am on a Survivor tribe, the people I will vote out first are, one, guy with "loco" neck tattoo; two, guy with stupid nickname. If you're Sophie, sure, aligning with a Hantz and hoping you'll be Natalie instead of Jaison is a good idea. But if you're a really *great* Survivor player on this tribe, you get rid of the wildcards. That's Ben and Brandon. Like the Elyse boot, I feel like this is a proxy battle for the tribe's soul - Sophie and Albert (whom Mikayla rather adorably keeps calling "Al") fighting to weaken "Coach" by taking out his proxy, Edna, while "Coach" fights to strengthen himself by taking out...well, the kind of person he always wants to take out: a strong woman who won't do as she's told. Like Savaii, I don't know why they don't just cut to the chase and vote out someone actually problematic.

TC is mostly typical Upolu bullshit, but then Albert says, "Loyalty can be faked, you can't fake strength. It's hard to con people into believing you're really good in athletic and strong." (sic) *Somebody* hasn't seen Panama!

"George is talking about Danielle right?"

Mikayla goes home. I hate this season.

Banter

Mark Kalzer

Let's make this short and sweet... this week you're semi slamming Sophie for not targeting Coach and Brandon... do you mind if I tear that down a bit?  I got two angles on that...A) If you want to target someone, you need to ask yourself more than anything else, can I get the votes necessary to do so?  The last thing you ever want is to try to vote out Coach, then find Coach NOT voted out, yet three Coach votes in the jar anyways while Mikayla walks out.

George Hawtin
Yeah, please.

Mark Kalzer
This is something Sandra was very careful about on HvV, as much as she wanted Russell out, when she couldn't get the votes she made sure to write down Amanda's name in the end to avoid further trouble.
  Something occured to me during the Dom & Colin podcast, Sophie may or may not be aware of this, (she is now after the show) but she isn't that great a social player.  She's not totally inept but in terms of likability, she's about the 3rd least likeable player out there.
So for her to win... she has to make sure she's sitting next to the two that are MORE unlikable.  Since everyone apparently loved Brandon in the merged tribe, the two she needed were Albert and Coach.
ergo... she can't POSSIBLY vote out Coach if she wants the money.

George Hawtin
I agree completely: *given her social limitations*, she played the best game she possibly could.

"Was that a compliment?  No... no it wasn't a compliment."

Mark Kalzer
Going back to A), Edna is clearly locked in with Coach.  She won't turn on him, at least not pre-merge.  Brandon is refusing to backstab anyone at this point.  It's a non starter with Brandon.

George Hawtin
I actually, going with your point A, don't think she and Albert should've written down Edna's name. I think they should've found out which way Rick was going and gone there.

Mark Kalzer
Did you remember this episode?  as I mentioned in my blog... I had completely forgotten that Coach was ever not voting in perfect sync with Albert and Sophie...
I don't think this divide even comes up again

George Hawtin
No, I didn't remember this episode. I remember very little of the season.

Mark Kalzer
I don't know that this'll be much of a banter session.  This episode is rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  I was hoping we could do episodes 6 and 7 this week but since my home internet is out I can't stream any Survivor.  I'm doing this entirely by iPhone tethering.

George Hawtin
Yeah, I agree. I don't have anything to say about this episode.

Mark Kalzer
These Redemption Island seasons are really difficult to rewatch.  Especially this time around pre-merge... we've spent all this time seeing Christine kick ass in the duels yet we know it's futile.  It's such a huge waste of airtime.
It's sort of like when you re-watch exile island seasons.  Even on your first go around, the suspense of someone going there to find an idol is lost once you pass the point in the series when the idol has been found.
Afterwards, you're just watching people pout because the producers put them in this situation.  It has almost nothing to do with the game.

George Hawtin
I also don't find anyone on this cast likable. Not anyone. Which makes it hard. It's, like, here's this one jackass being a jackass, and then, oh, here's this other person being a jackass. If we had, like, Yau-Man on this season, I think he'd still be fun, because I like to watch Yau-Man.
But so many of these people, the source of their drama is not interesting to me.

Mark Kalzer
Well here's another angle I want to explore... I'm learning there's serious talk about Coach going into the Survivor Hall of Fame.  Both because he's an outlandish character, and because he is perceived to have finally improved his game this season.

George Hawtin
A Dreamz or a Caramoan Dawn or a Lisa Whelchel who's genuinely torn about gameplay vs. doing "the right thing", that's compelling.

Mark Kalzer
I like seeing really smart players attack the game from an intelligent point of view.  I think this season HAS that character but they aren't showing her.
Do you perceive Coach as even playing a great game here?
This is that other thing I hate about seasons like this... that 1 returnee plus 8 newbie formats for tribes.  How is Coach's experience this season comparable in any way to the typical Survivor experience?
It's not remotely the same thing.  He's the experienced known guy in a field of people learning how to play for the first time.  He knows how to survive off the land, (especially here since he's already been to Samoa), he knows all the behind the scenes stuff that goes on... and he's the one guy every single person knows.

George Hawtin
I think isolated elements of his social play are actually very good. His manipulation of Brandon in an earlier episode and Cochran in the merge episode are outstanding Survivor play.
But at the *overall game* - get to the end, build a jury where a plurality will like you - he fails. He overplays. He lies needlessly. He hurts people.

Mark Kalzer
We really need to find things to praise here since otherwise this blog will be nothing more than a 'shit on Survivor' session.
To me, Coach's ultimate failure, and god damn it he should have done his homework on this... he claimed a moral high ground in front of the jury.  You NEVER win Survivor doing that.
The jury is full of people like Jim Rice.  They came here ready to lie.  They saw you lie.  You cannot lie then claim you somehow did it 'honourably'.

Take Duras for example.

George Hawtin
Yeah, I agree. "I am better than you" never sells.  Going into the Redemption Island finale, I was certain Natalie would win, because she was saner than Phillip and they were the final two, and surely jurors would share my view that the other guy did not count. Then, once Redemption Island jurors cancelled that view, I went into the SP finale certain Ben would win, because, who's going to beat him? The cocky overplayer or the miserable smartass no one likes?

Mark Kalzer
I knew Coach couldn't win because he'd stick by his flawed mantra.

George Hawtin
My favourite Survivor writer, Linda Holmes, has a theory: Survivor jurors vote to make their losses make sense and cause an outcome they can live with.
By the first part of that, Ben had an advantage - he was a returnee.
So a Jim Rice could vote for him and then say, "He had the advantage of being a returnee - of course he beat me!" But by the second tenet? People could not bear losing to one of the most laughable characters the show has ever had.

Mark Kalzer
That was Boston Rob's theory about the RI jury.  They couldn't handle losing to a fellow newbie, but to vote for Boston Rob would be to say 'Of course he beat us.  He's got experience'
As a would be winner, you do need to command respect.  That's always been true.
That's why I knew Phillip could never win... even if he made the final of Caramoan.
It baffles me when people suggest he was playing a great game.  He has always played for third or second place, falling miles behind first if only by virtue of him earning no respect from anyone.

George Hawtin
I think he was playing to win Caramoan. Whether he *could have* is a different story.

Pictured : That story.  (I'm guessing)

Mark Kalzer
Boston Rob, as spoiled as he is, is still someone you can respect as a legitimate Survivor contender.  Coach is still even in his third season much too self centered and self aware.

George Hawtin
(You mean "you" here in the general sense, I assume. :P)

Mark Kalzer
Hey I'm not a Boston Rob fanboy.  I'm mostly indifferent to him.

George Hawtin
But, yes, I agree, losing to Boston Rob would still sting less for most people than losing to "Coach". Even I respect Rob more, and I'm me.

Mark Kalzer
I choose him over Russell Hantz any day!  But again, you give him that 'one returnee and 9 newbies slot', he just has such an inherent advantage.
This is why the Survivor juror system is so unique among other games.  I've heard some people criticize this... "What other game is it where the losers decide the winner?"
That's a fair comment... but whatever, if you're going on Survivor, you KNOW that's how the winner is decided.  That is the unbroken truth you've had to deal with since Borneo.
In the end... your opinion from the coach as to who played the best game is as subjective as the jurors.

George Hawtin
Excellent typo.

Mark Kalzer
Hey's it's late... and I'm grumpy due to my internet being out.
Okay... let's close it out here unless you have anything more to add...
Next week is the infamous Jack & Jill challenge.

George Hawtin
Nah, I'm good. Talk to you then.

Sorry... no Simpsons references this week.